SCPBA LOSES 4 OF IT’S FINEST!
What does Free Agency Have in Store for them???

 

POST ON THE SCPD HOCKEY BULLETIN BOARD...DO YOU THINK IT WAS WISE TO GET RID OF 4 PLAYERS? OR IS IT A WACKY NU-NU???

SUFFOLK MEMORIAL FUND HOCKEY LOSES FOUR OF ITS "FINEST"

 

By Dickie Dunn

January 9, 2008 - 8:59 AM EST

MAITLAND, FL - In what is being heralded the biggest internal disciplinary action taken by an amateur sports organization since the Puckheads of the Coyle Cup League withheld post-game juice boxes following an upset by the Rough Riders, the Suffolk County Memorial Fund hockey team released its top four players today.  Citing an arguable one-minute lateness on two separate occasions, acting co-assistant captain Mike "Toedrag" Goralski ultimately spoke up in the locker room and axed center Artie "A-Train" Martrano, left wing Sal "Party Boy" Gigante, goaltender Bryan "with a Y" Stoothoff (aka Sweet Tooth), and defenseman Peter "10-sector" Dykeman (aka Buddha).

The drama all began when the four players in question arrived at the rink at 7:53 AM to witness their teammates taking the ice.  The four dressed hurriedly and were on the bench and ready for the game at the scheduled start time of 8:00 AM.  The only problem was that the game had started early and was approximately a minute-and-a-half in when a player from the opponent-du-jour Southwest Florida Firefighters, known only as "Class Act", buried one into the empty net.  The Memorial Fund went on to lose 8-3, with SWFF's two former East Coast Hockey League players-turned-firemen scoring the vast majority of points.

At a post game press conference, Goralski managed to "toedrag" his way around several reporters' questions as if they were the inexperienced senior league competition against which he is familiar with playing.  When asked why the team took the ice early and without the "Former Four", knowing the latter were in the locker room and ready to play, Goralski stated "The regular clock is a non-issue.  The team has to be ready to play when I am.  Starting the game a minute early is an investment for the tournament director.  By the end of the day, if he's done that to everyone, he'll only be 50 minutes behind schedule rather than an entire hour.  We are willing to do our part to make that happen."  When asked if one empty-net goal scored at one minute into the game is insurmountable, Goralski stated "It's never to early to have a turning point in the game."

An anonymous benefactor has offered to purchase a team supply of Atomic-Clock-synchronized wristwatches, as seen in Sky Mall Magazine & Catalog,  to ensure one-minute discrepancies and tardiness are a thing of the past.  Goralski made apparent that punctuality is merely a "red herring" in the dismissal of the four in his reply:  "Fancy watches will never get anyone into the circle of trust!"  When asked how the team expects to fare in the future without its two biggest offensive threats (Gigante, Martrano) and two best defensive forces (Dykeman, Stoothoff), former player and current bench coach Pete "Napoleon" Pruyn jumped in with "As long as Mike [Goralski]'s toedrag is on, Brian ["Mongo Smash" Dillon] has his Apple Core stickers, and Larry ["Stone Cold" Tyler] is our fourth forward, we'll be fine.  We have no room for players on this team that will not assimilate into our circle of trust and recognize us as the oligarchy of Suffolk County hockey that we are!"

The future of these four bright stars is uncertain.  What is certain is that they will stay ready and in top [read: men's "B" league] physical condition by playing with the 3-House Wisemen in the Coyle Cup league.  At least there are no juice boxes or wristwatches to worry about there.

 

 

NOTES & QUOTES:  Pete Pruyn was overheard whispering to Mike Goralski "Thank God 'oligarchy' was the word of the day on my desk calendar!"  Larry "Stone Cold" Tyler was seen at the local barber shop, getting ready for the second leg of the season - dropping five pounds by shaving his back.  Reminded that the season is a long way from over, Tyler stated "The key is managing it (back hair).  If you stay on top of it, it's managable."  One Memorial Fund player, who asked that a pseudonym be used, spoke privately with the "Former Four" after the game in the parking garage and asked them to stay.  "Deepthroat" recognized the four as the future of the team and blamed Goralski's tirade on the emotional 8-3 loss the team suffered at the hands of the Southwest Florida Firefighters.  "A five-goal loss is nothing compared to the four player loss we may have on our hands!" Deepthroat has been quoted as saying on the way to his rented Chevrolet Aveo.